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Top 10 Most Awkward Celebrity Thanksgivings

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Rating 3.00 out of 5

lohan_lohan2_320The Campus Queen has compiled a list of 10 Celebrity Thanksgivings that she would sell her soul to attend….as a spectator of course, bring on the crazy!

10. J. LO and Marc Anthony: Marc stares at his giant plate of food, refusing to eat a single bite becoming increasingly more pale and boring while J. Lo traipses around the dining room in her brand new Louboutins, slips and falls on her ass causing the entire dining table to shatter into tiny little pieces.

9. Katy Perry and Russell Brand: Recovering sex addict Russell meets Katy’s Christian Pastor parents and is forced to listen to Gospel music for 8 hours while praying for his sins.  Meanwhile Katy is still locked in the upstairs closet from the summer of 2008 when she kissed a girl.

8. Mariah Carey and Nick Canon: Nick is forced to cook the fat-free feast, entertain the guests, clean the mansion, polish the china, and spoon feed diva Mariah low-fat cranberry sauce while refilling her water glass, wiping her mouth clean, and retouching her nails.

7. The Lohans: Lindsay passes out face down into her plate of mashed potatoes while Aliana throws a tantrum over not having a record deal.  Michael Lohan is hiding in the bushes outside of the window taking pictures of the feast while simultaneously releasing to RadarOnline.com  the conversations he is secretly recording with the mic he hid in the topiary.  Lindsay finally wakes up to Dina’s smoker’s cough and immediately starts Twittering asking if anyone can tell her where she is.

6. The Kardashians: Kourtney goes into labor at the table and boyfriend Scott is too busy hitting on the hot new E! production assistant and applying hair gel to achieve the perfect slick back to notice.  Khloe gets drunk and asks who the giant black man sitting next to her at the table is and mom Kris has to remind her that it’s her “husband” L.A. Laker Lamar Odom who is worth $80 million and to not act so stupid in front of the cameras.  Kim is refusing to talk to anyone because nobody cared that she showed up to the family dinner in a pink Rolls Royce, that she had 860,000,000 Google alerts today, and lost a pound in her ass.  Bruce Jenner is at Cedars-Sinai because he strategically planned to get his “face-fixed” during Thanksgiving fearing he would be confronted with more sex tapes, visit from the FBI, impromptu marriages or illegitimate pregnancies.

5. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: Katie is tied to a chair and gagged while hooked up to a giant electropsychometer forced to stare at a life size painting of L. Ron Hubbard that is hanging over the fire place.  Tom Cruise is auditing Suri yelling at her for not wanting to greatly improve her 3-year old life, while calling her glib and forcing her to pay him with her tooth fairy money.

4. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag: Spencer forces Heidi to sing “Body Language” while basting the Turkey in her bedazzled nude body suit preparing her for next year’s Miss Universe Competition.   Stephanie Pratt and Holly Montag show up with 4 boxes of Franzia with which they sit in the corner and polish off in 3 minutes flat. Heidi burns the Turkey because she got distracted while trying to make up new dance moves for her latest hit “Superficial” and Spencer races down to the court house in a rage over not being able to enjoy his Thanksgiving, immediately filing for divorce.  Luckily MTV cameras are there to catch the entire debacle.

3. The Palins: The family sits down to enjoy a lovely feast of Moose and Wooly Mammoth and realize that Sarah has “gone rogue.” Levi Johnston shows up and starts distributing autographed copies of his Playgirl editorial, while Bristol starts screaming and calling him a bad father.  Sarah finally shows up, fires a shotgun and announces that she will be running for President in one year.  Her youngest daughter Piper reminds her that she can’t run until 2012, to which she replies, “Do you know what the difference between a Hockey mom and a pitbull is?”

2. Jon and Kate Plus 8: Jon shows up in a bedazzled Ed Hardy jump suit….Kate looses her shit and throws the Turkey at him…..the 8 kids cry…..TLC cancels the show….

1. Miley Cyrus: Miley demands that everyone go around the table and say what Miley Moment they are most thankful for this year.  Father Billy Ray replies that he especially enjoyed Miley pole dancing in her skivvies at the Teen Choice Awards, while Mother Tish can only reply with “Money.”  Miley throws a temper tantrum because her little sister keeps referring to the day as “Thanksgiving” when they were under strict instructions that any gathering of more than two people was to be referred to as “Miley’s Party in the USA.”  Then Jay Z shows up and slaps Miley in the face for using his name in that song.

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4 Comments »

  • Janelle said:

    HILARIOUS!!!

    I Worship The Campus Queen and nearly died when I read the Sarah Palin one! hahah

  • Brroks Kavit said:

    HAHAHAHA, I would pay serious money to be at a Kardashian family thanksgiving as well! And I couldn’t stop laughing envisioning poor Katie Holmes tied to the chair with the weird scientology crap!

  • John The Critic. said:

    Hilarious and way to make us feel the awkwardness…The Lohan’s would be one of my favorite Thanksgiving to be at…

    This article should be in The Onion. http://www.theonion.com

  • The Queen (author) said:

    Miley Cyrus’s Thanksgiving trumps them all…nice like a true “Hoe Down Throw Down”…

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